Lesson 1/ So You Want To Be A Poet

 

So You Want To Be A Poet Series

 

 

 

Lesson 1/ So You Want To Be A Poet

 

 

Or as you may like “poetess” but it really doesn’t matter because I hate the term “poetess,” so I refer to myself as a poet.  You must believe the distinction is a waste of time. For poetry is poetry no matter who writes the poem.  The label is a way to categorizing different poesy artists into the appendixes in the back of books.  As well it is a way to uphold the status qua of mainstream western society who believe that being a woman or a man affects how a person tackles the curse of poetry  (Society always forgets transgendered people).  Although there are many things that are positive and neat to touch, there are others I wouldn’t recommend on a day-to-day basis.   Keep this in mind when joining the army, a cult, or walking a dog.  In poetry, keep nothing in mind.

 

 

From now on I use the term poet to refer to you and other gendered poets. 

From now on you may call me Anny Bon Bon Hell or a poet (No abbreviations please).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Assignment 1

 

Pick a poet and read their collected works. 

Follow the guidelines for “Reading a poem” and “Reading a collection of poems” listed below. Keep a written journal of your progress through the guidelines (Rely heavily on spell checker).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guidelines for “Reading a poem”

 

1.   Read title of poem with as low-pitched voice as possible.

2.  Read poem in a well lit noisy area

3.  Any words that are unfamiliar look up in a hand held dictionary

4.  Read poem a second time out loud in a poorly lit area.

5.  Pay attention to sound effects like meter,

    rhyme, barks, word choice, flutes and assonance.

6.  Discredit anything clever or meaningful in the poem.

7.  Ask what the purpose of the poem is and eat a sandwich.

8.  Answer the question of purpose while walking in circles until you puke

9.  Think about what you like and dislike about the poem when having your Morning BM.

10. Does the poet use metaphors or other sad literary crutches?

11.   If used, Are the crutches funny on accident? Circle the ones that display accidental humor and write “brilliant” on the side with a blue marker

12.  Would you read the poem to your parent figures or on a subway with strangers? If to parent figures move on to another poem and start at beginning of guidelines. To strangers, continue to step 13.

13. Put poem down and breathe heavy.

14. Write a crappy poem and sloppily copy the techniques of the poem you just read.

15.  Claim to as many people as possible that your poem is better than the one you copied.  Repetitively repeat lines of your poem in raspy voice that makes you couch and gasp. Then say, “Ha, Blank (First name of a  famous poet) poet is poetaster”

16. Submit your poem to as many university presses as you can find with a letter of intent explaining that if you don’t get published by them you’ll commit suicide by acid (Don’t  really commit suicide, move on to another poem and  begin at number 1 of  guidelines and recycle batteries).

 

 

 

 

 

Guidelines for “Reading a collection of poems”

 

1.   Pick up a book that has a collection of poems in it.

2.  Read the name of the author and the title.

3.  Open up the poetry book. 

4.  Read every page in the book.

  5. Worry about eyefatigue and eyestrain.  

  6. Read poems out loud in a park, tavern, or at a  

     car dealership.

  7. Refer to Guidelines for “Reading a poem”

8. Tell everyone you see that you read so and so’s  

   collection and that you’ve seen better shi at  

   Mackinaw Island. But none as profound

   and damaging as so and so’s(or use first name of  

  author) collection.  Tell them you were nervous  

  to stop reading so and so’s book.. Misquote a few 

  lines of the poet by blending their words with 

  the words of a well known speech.

9. If someone asks if they can borrow the 

   collection, tell them no, and that it belongs

   to your roommate, who is your grandmother or 

   Priest (depending the theme of collection and 

  After much  practice, you may wish  to change 

 who you say owns the book. Move forward with the utmost caution as usual. Never tell another reader of poems you own books of poetry.  They will compliment you, fuck you and steal your best books).

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Please submit assignment before the end of the day (that’s when I check my e-mail).